One of the most common themes that has come up in my Brainstorm Sessions and Power Hours recently is inconsistent skills in children. I often hear:
“How will they do this if we don’t teach them?”
Parents often share examples like:
“My child can put on their shoes… but they won’t.”
“My child can cut their food… but they won’t.”
- “My child can write… but they won’t.”
I hear this a lot: kids can do XYZ… but they “won’t.”
What’s Really Happening?
In the moments when a child can put on their shoes or write, all the metaphorical cogs have lined up.
They feel comfortable.
They’re settled.
They have the strength and coordination.
Their nervous system is in a place that allows the skill to happen.
But when they “won’t,” it doesn’t mean they’re being manipulative or not trying hard enough. It means those cogs aren’t aligned right then. Something is off—maybe overwhelm, maybe fatigue, maybe something we can’t see.
Looking at the Cogs, Not Just the Skill
Instead of drilling the skill over and over (“just practice putting on your shoes”), we need to zoom out and look at the cogs.
That might mean:
adjusting the environment,
putting accommodations in place,
making sure there’s understanding,
and reducing the load so the child has more moments when it feels right to do the task.
Why Helping Isn’t a Disservice
And no—you’re not doing your child a disservice by putting their shoes on, cutting their food, or helping them get dressed.
You’re honouring their needs.
You’re supporting them by building trust and safety.
You’re preserving their energy so they can do what matters next—like getting through school feeling safer, calmer, and more regulated.
That’s huge.
The skill will come.
The Takeaway
Skills don’t disappear just because they’re not consistent. They emerge when the conditions are right. By supporting your child’s nervous system and environment, you’re not holding them back—you’re helping them get to a place where those cogs can align again and again.
Want to Figure Out Which Cogs Are Missing?
If you’d like to understand what’s getting in the way when it comes to writing—and what to do about it—my Helping Kids Write Mini Workshop is a great place to start.
In this 75-minute session, you’ll discover:
✔ which skills your child needs before writing can feel easier
✔ how sensory processing and coordination affect writing
✔ what you can do right now to support your child at home
